As a young girl, I had visions of my future in increments. That is, I could see into the future, where my life would take me but just until I graduated College. I knew where I would attend elementary school. I new I would attend the very prestigious high school I attended. I had visions of myself in college, I could clearly imagine my studies some of the travel adventures I would have. In retrospect, years later I understand that these “visions” actually reflected some stability in the chaos of my family dynamic. In essence, until I could escape, run, get out of dodge, my mind created a steady stream of intentions and visions that I would live out so I did not have to be present to my pain.
Once I hit my thirties, the visions stopped, as did the chaos I had quietly escaped by moving over and over and traveling. I had “landed” so to speak and slowly the visions and future direction stopped presenting itself. I no longer could see what was to be or what I wanted to create. As I approached my 37thI birthday, I finally understood what was happening. I was certain that the visions and intentions were not showing up because there was nothing left to see. No future to imagine and nourish as well as no real desire for what I wanted. Looking back, it was all very dramatic considering, I was living with my now husband, in Southern California, just miles from the beach, had a good job, six miles from my home and was physically and financially healthy. Yet the uncertainty and open space ahead of me was almost too much for me to take. I couldn’t fathom, a lifetime of love, partnership, creativity, freedom, beauty. Those things were all meant for other people. I had never envisioned those possibilities for myself. So while everyone around me moved forward in creating and manifesting their lives, I thought for sure I was finished.
“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning. ” – Louis L’Amour
Knowing that my visions were no longer going to lead me, it became clear that my present and future were insisting that I start to make conscious choices to claim my life. And so it was, day-by-day, little by little, I moved forward, welcoming a new beginning. I surrendered completely and what kept showing up was more opportunity for love, self-love. As I continued on this path, and walked toward each new beginning, welcoming, hoping, and believing, I felt such gratitude that it had not been the end. It was only just beginning.
Image courtesy of Tracey Clark : @traceyclark